OMG MY BLOG » Unorganized

take off your pens

jsh — Thu, 28 May 2009 07:14:03 +0000

I was writing a grocery list and by the third item down I suddenly realized that this pen is the best pen in the world and remember feeling that same way when I was 11 collecting rubber bands off the floor in the back sorting room and I saw this pen on the desk with its cap off next to a giant Spiegel catalog. The yellow cap tip and subtle sparkle design is recognizable to me from the balcony. I always wanted a paint job like this when I got my low rider but the hair salon did not pay shit so I had to keep it black. One time Ant cut my hair like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. M. got mad because “I ruined my hairstyle” and she threw a pen at me. I took the fifty dollars. Sorry J. Your son wore MC Hammer pa nts and you wrote me up for dress code.

I know that at least the yellow plastic piece on the Pilot Razor Point Extra Fine is a little thinner diameter but they produce a pretty line weight to the Pilot Razor Point 2. I don’t mind using both (not at the same time–that is too crazy) but prefer the Extra Fine because it feels a little smoother, reminds me of the older days and more controllable (in my opinion), as well as having a somewhat thicker line or skin on what you’re trying to communicate on paper. I feel like I have better control of my life if I do want to make a heavier or smaller line, whereas in the Razor Point 2s I’ve used, the lighter lines just look too modern and teenage and smooth and shout: “WHY NOT JUST USE A COMPUTER?!” Well, that’s my 2 dollar bill. I owe you.

best song to fuck to

jsh — Wed, 20 May 2009 06:57:03 +0000

let’s face it, it’s The Teachers Are Afraid of The Pupils.

o_0 WHAT? xxx

the studio version is 10 minutes and some change LONG, so if you can last that long THAT would be great (for her or him or whatever). I dare you to try going so long.

at the end of the song Morrissey keeps singing “to be finished would be a relief” and all you have to do is agree with him (like the I know what you mean look and nod to him (also, you have to pretend he is in the room) while you are still humping). just knowing he’s in the room will buy you some time and get you through the end of the song and your sex so that, indeed, to be finished would be a relief. it’s like the new “think about baseball” but only more confusing.

it’s so ironic so say it out loud.

to be finished would be a relief
to be finished would be a relief
to be finished would be a relief
to be finished would be a relief
to be finished would be a relief
to be finished would be a relief

then, after you turn off your iHome and wash up, you can go on facebook while your partner is knocked out because you fucked for 10 mins plus. it will be fun–you deserve it.

Morrissey – The Teachers Are Afraid of The Pupils (Wembley Arena, London – 1995)

i’m nothing without my muffin

jsh — Wed, 13 May 2009 06:21:01 +0000

one time (well a few times) we fucked but this one time (the first time) was the last time. i get there, right, and she’s like do you want some tomato soup? and i was like like is there any animal in it and she goes no because we were both being careful. i said no by the way but she also offered me some muffins, which i took no problem because i’m nothing without my muffin.

would you fuck this?

fuck, like 10 mins later she got into some cat suit (meow) and it was crotchless. you probably think i am lying. well i am on the couch and she tells me to get down on the floor. she squats over me and this is the first time i have seen her vag. well, i can’t really see it because it’s super reggie bush. anyway, i am a good sport and don’t run away. besides, there was a month’s worth of tension building up to this very point. i wasn’t going to let a lot of pubic hair get in the way. so she puts that bush in my face like a prisoner. have you seen women locked up on ngc?

she puts a lollipop in her vag and twirls it around and keeps looking me right in the eyes. i’m not going to lie–i don’t care for lollipops or extended sexual eye contact because i will finish too soon. oh god and now she puts the lollipop in my mouth. it tastes funny. and oh god there are two pubes in my mouth now. i try not to grimace or ruin the moment for her, so i swallow them like a man.

later that night she tells me how she likes to be held so i do it. what the hell–it feels good enough to want to wake up in the same position. in the morning we shower and she tells me i have a nice body and i tell her the same thing and also add that i like her nipples. before i leave she has something written all over her face.

i try to wipe it off but it’s too late.

don’t waste the bag

jsh — Tue, 12 May 2009 08:05:01 +0000

i just realized who i have become–my d. because he would spend hours on his end down in the basement on his ham radio trying to talk to anyone else BUT me. except i don’t have a basement or a ham radio. also i make more money than him. one time he taught me how to pancake a plastic gallon milk jug between your hip and the edge of the counter. “that way,” he said, “you’ll have more room in the trash for other stuff and you don’t waste the bag.” he did that with empty pizza boxes, too. folded them so many times he could have put one in his back pocket.

he also had this computer game truck driver simulator where you had X amount of dollars to get X amount of oranges to X marks the spot. it was so boring that i eventually found his XXX box of smut. when i was 12 i gave myself a banana split while looking at man on woman anal. i even put a condom on like a frenchman.

and before anyone came home i got on my bike and rode as far as i could to bury the evidence. i still remember the way the condom oil and smell stayed on my hands for hours. i was so sure he knew i went through his stuff but i think it was easier that way for him to stay hush–he still didn’t have to talk to me.

later that summer, while he mowed the lawn in the reeboks HIS MOM bought him, i masturbated to his sunbathing wife. right in the kitchen i was making faces like i was washing the dishes–just in case she saw me. i didn’t get to finish because her son came home for his lunch break.

what happened to swine flu?

jsh — Sun, 10 May 2009 06:51:24 +0000

part of me thinks it’s still here ready to put us down.

it’s probably still here.

those fruit flies

jsh — Tue, 05 May 2009 06:22:54 +0000

i think i finally figured out their purpose. i never liked “fag hag”. it made them seem so old with no purpose BUT packing double lady brains of how a man’s mind really spins and comes up always tails. i’ve seen those fruit flies. they are a bit younger than fag hags and hip and more married and there is a red head in the group now with freckles. ANYWAY.

the gay guy surveys the room and finds the straight cute guy sitting somewhere with his friends having some midori sours. we will call the straight guy steve and the gay guy gay guy.

steve and gay guy make eyes. steve looks down so fast his eyes turn to lasers and light the table on fire. gay guy huddles up w/ his fruit flies and draws out the play on… i can’t think of any names right now. so he sends over the hottest fly in his swarm to try and get stuck to steve’s trap. it works. gay guy has sparked steve’s boner. he thinks he is getting laid by what’s her name.

then gay guy buys drinks for steve through what’s her name until steve can’t see straight. (kitty) literally. fist comes to shove and steve is now gay and no one paid his tab.

[insert pic of gay guy chalking another one up on his board. it would probably be funny.]

the weather girl warns us about a secret city

jsh — Tue, 05 May 2009 06:02:13 +0000

we are watching TV. i just got it at best buy a few weeks ago. the sales guy had fudge piano hands but he helped get it into the car. tivo ran the show long and we get to see 5 minutes of the fox 11 news. it’s more like a bunch of porn stars doing the scene RIGHT before they fuck.

the weather girl warns us about a secret city but first we have to sit through a commercial then her report. there is a commercial about coca-cola’s secret formula. it’s pretty visual and there is mock death and that guy knows half of the fucking recipe. and then what if that happened and the whole world got sucked in by one fucking guy in the valley yelling, “LOOK, MOTHER FUCKERS: IT’S SUGAR, BUBBLES and BROWN. that’s it.”

anyway, it’s going to be hot this week and the waves will be chest high. she says, “granada hills. it’s okay we don’t live there.”

so annoying

jsh — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 06:45:50 +0000

I am about to go to bed but I remember my car is on the street so I have to move it in or it will get egged. Just ask Miguel about eggs because I sure as hell won’t. But I can’t find my shoes or I am too lazy to look for my pants–I’m not sure.

Arthur saw me in my boxers and pulling in backwards. I like to pull in backwards so I can start the morning off in the right direction but it’s so annoying walking outside w/ no shoes on because leaves get stuck to your socks.